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Santa Barbara Police Blotter

CRIME TIME, provided by the Santa Barbara Sentinel

My Car Was Stolen – I’m Rich…

CRIME: A 2006 Hummer H2 was stolen in Santa Barbara over the weekend – sometime between 11 pm on December 1 and 1 pm on December 2.

OBSERVATION: We really found nothing particularly interesting here, until we got to the section addressing the (alleged) contents within the vehicle. The Hummer was (allegedly) filled with nothing except jewelry and diamonds.

COMMENT: Before we get to the sparkling treasure chest of diamonds and jewels – do people really still drive Hummers? Aren’t they the paradigmatic symbol of ostentatious over-consumption, akin only to the McMansion of the home-building world? What the hell do people need these civilian versions of former military vehicles for, anyway? Driving over the fiscal cliff? Or through the high waters sure to be present at the apocalypse (or termination of the Mayan calendar)? Who knows, maybe guys just get them to make up for the size of their Priuses. Either way, we have no idea why somebody would steal one… it’s not like Hummers have very good resale values these days. The best part of all this, however, is the most predictable: The ubiquitous pirate’s booty of riches in the stolen vehicle. We know a guy who had his car stolen many years ago and claimed not one but two sets of very expensive golf clubs, hundreds of CDs, designer clothes (including a $300 pair of shoes), a Rolex and litany of other purported pricey possessions. In short, he wanted his insurer to believe that he was driving his old beat up sedan around with thousands and thousands of dollars worth of prized belongings jammed into every nook and cranny. In the particular case recounted above, some woman left her 2006 Hummer parked in SB with diamonds and jewels (and rubies and sapphires and other sparkling delights, we’d guess) laying around – while she went out clubbing on a Saturday night. Yeah, right… and people wonder why we all pay such high insurance premiums. We’ll put it to you this way: We’re seriously considering leaving the publishing and editing biz and parking our near dead 2001 Volvo wagon and beat up Chevy delivery truck in a high crime area soon. Stuffed full with gold bullion and Swiss wristwatches, of course.

Come On Baby… Put Out My Fire

CRIME: A Santa Barbara woman was arrested over the weekend for beating her female roommate.

OBSERVATION: Again, nothing particularly noteworthy about this one – except for the fact that the whole fight started over which roommate “lit the fire” in the living room fireplace.

COMMENT: Can you see this one? This is how we imagine it went:

A fire burns brightly in an otherwise dim room; framed photographs of smiling happy women adorn the mantle. Flower arrangements add muted color and fragrance to a peaceful romantic set. Music plays softly from a small transistor radio – Ray Charles, perhaps.
“Hey baby, it’s late. Let’s go to bed – why don’t you put the fire out while I go turn down the sheets?”
“I didn’t light no damned fire. You put the thing out.”
“Come on baby, you know I didn’t light that fi re. You put it out.”
“I said I didn’t light no fire. Put it out.”
“I didn’t light the fire, baby. You never do anything around here – just put it out.”
“I didn’t light no damned fire. I ain’t saying it again.”
“Put the fire out!”
“No, you!”
“No, you!”
And let the beating begin!

It’s sad, really, how a nice night can quickly devolve into argument and aggression and arrest. Come to think of it, sounds like a few marriages we’re aware of.

Kleptomaniac Beats Boyfriend Relentlessly

CRIME: Another Santa Barbara woman was arrested last week for beating someone – this time it was her boyfriend at 2:45 am on a Saturday night. She admitted to hitting and pushing him, and a witness recounted to SBPD that he was forced to intervene when she mounted the poor guy with clenched fists in the air à la some debilitated MMA fighter.

(Nice relationship – maybe it’s time to think about some conflict resolution courses.)

OBSERVATION: After the woman was taken into custody, SBPD found a stolen wallet in her fanny pack. Turns out that she had three prior convictions for petty thefts, and had done time for each.

COMMENT: Hey all you kleptos out there! Stop beating people up after you get away with the goods. And don’t carry stolen property on you if you have an anger management issue–it just won’t end well.

Thanks Dad

CRIME: A 27-year-old SBCC student was arrested after her father called the cops and told them that she was high on drugs or booze and harassing family members despite being warned to stop. He signed a citizen’s arrest form and she was whisked away to the slammer.

OBSERVATION: Here’s the kicker: When SBPD arrived at the house, they conducted a full drug and alcohol abuse evaluation on the young woman and found no symptoms of intoxication. She was sober. As a judge. (Not counting that judge in the old Cheech & Chong flick, Up in Smoke.) Even after that, though, dear-old-Dad executed the citizen’s arrest form and watched SBPD hook her up and take her to jail.

COMMENT: Wait, hang on, be quiet for a second. I think I just heard the first allegations of decades of child abuse coming from her jail cell.

I Said Be Quiet, Man, Seriously

CRIME: A 45-year-old Santa Barbara man was arrested after he kicked his roommate in the face.

OBSERVATION: The kick to the roommate’s face was delivered “because he wouldn’t stop talking” at 2:45 am on Sunday night. The kicking party even warned the jabber-mouth to pipe down by repeatedly telling him to “shut up.”

COMMENT: We get it. A man has his limits. This particular man’s limit was incessant talking early on a Monday morning. Words were exchanged. Warnings were given. A kick eventually did the job. Sleep is important, especially after a long weekend with the workweek bearing down on you. So, look, we aren’t saying it was right to kick the guy in the face to shut him up, but we understand. The bottom line is that he’ll think about running off at the mouth at 2:45 am next time. Now go get some rest. That’s about it for this week – of course, there were drunks who couldn’t figure out how to pay for hotel rooms or put their pants on, others who couldn’t stand yet found the strength to challenge officers to fights. There was urine. There was vomit. But we left it alone this week. Why beat a dead (urine-soaked, vomit-covered, stable-less) horse?

Be good out there this week folks. Enjoy the sunshine.

3 Responses to “Santa Barbara Police Blotter”

  1. The Entire City

    Mildly entertaining, but the deconstructionist format is awkward.

    • When you are about to die, and are taking your last breaths, I hope you are reminded of the way you dehumanized these poor, desperate people. Why die with nothing but regret? You obviously have some talent, why not use it for something constructive? In a few years, you, or someone you know will be in the same place. I know I sound like an old fart, but think about it.

  2. To Chris Oldfart…..
    I agree with every word…
    Another Oldfart….